~~Family conflicts are quite normal. Moreover: there would be no growth without conflicts, without crises. Don’t worry! Take it easy. Relax. This is a situation you must get through…These are opportunities that help us to grow up…
Don’t try to run away…But if you feel that upon the conflict you are wholly exhausted, or with a lot of questions to be settled before sleeping time…you better solve these subjects before going to face the conflict with somebody in the family…Then, eat something…something sweet…It could be an apple… And then sit down by yourself to think about what is going on… Plan on going out with the person you have that conflict with…
This is just to begin with… But it is also important to recognize that we are also a part of the conflict. It is usual to think that the other person has all the blame: “He or she does not understand me…does not appraise me…is always against me…is not interested in becoming a better person…” But, usual as it may be, this feeling is not objective; it is wholly subjective, and the other person thinks exactly the same about me.
Then, … Well! … A big, mature step will have to be taken to get in the other person’s shoes…First thing to do for achieving this is to visualize the day the other person goes through… For instance, if he is your husband… consider: He always gets up at “x” o’clock…He gets “y” for breakfast (or no breakfast?)…gets into the car…or takes the train…or bus… He arrives at his job and, since he is quite sociable, everybody expects him to arrive in a good mood…Or quite the opposite: since he is shy, he always suffers anxiety upon arriving and having to greet… Anyhow, he begins working at his projects… his problems…the boss… the colleague…the stress…the lunch…And then back home with his head full of ideas…issues he wants to share with his family…But it is hard to do it when he knows that he will find angry faces and he does not quite know why.
The second step for getting into the other person’s shoes is quite easy, but it demands a mental effort… Remember how he/she is…what he/she likes…what gets him/her into an angry mood…what scares him/her…what relaxes him/her… Then, a slight idea will start shining about what is happening to him/her. For instance, if you know that your wife is obsessive-compulsive about orderliness, take a look around you and check how everything is… Sometimes it is about simple things but, as days go by, these things make harder her workload… Or maybe she has not been able to go out for exercise… Or maybe he/she has had to solve many projects at the job… Or perhaps one of the kids has been lately very aggressive…etc.
The third step is…get closer. Somebody has always to take the first step toward solution of conflict…Usually the woman…although often it is the man who starts dialogue.
Whoever takes the first step, should do this with true humility, expecting to solve the problem, without trying to cause the other to feel guilty by pointing out all his/her mistakes. Remember that he/she is somebody you love, and you want him/her to become every day a better person. This sometimes implies some self-forgetfulness to be able to help the other person to succeed. And we, his/her family, are the ones who will support him/her in this crisis, before any friend at a bar…
Before thinking that everything is kaput, think about your good feelings toward that person, prior to the conflict… Most conflicts can be solved in a positive way and without injuries for anybody… It is true that there are more severe situations, where more drastic measures must be taken, but there are very few of such cases…
A family is like a company, and as in any company, there are different goals, the way to whose achievement is not too easy…But at the end of the day, the effort is worthwhile.